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Diary of an Alcoholic
Hello Sunday Morning is a blog where people can share their stories and challenges with alcohol. Isabella shares her very personal story of what it is like to be an alcoholic.
These are her reasons to be Grateful & Sober
January 10 2012
Reasons to be grateful and sober:
- Clear mind and thinking with clarity;
- Less mood swings and feelings of anxiety;
- More money - less money spent on wine and food to soak the wine up;
- No more drink driving;
- More time to self to complete goals - both daily and long-term;
- Improved relationship with The Boy;
- Improved relationship with Mum;
- Ability to be the best at work that I possibly can be;
- Less tired, more energy;
- Able to sleep soundly;
- No more night sweats;
- No more paranoia or trying to cover my tracks;
- No longer feeling like I am tied to a bottle;
- Less cravings for wine;
- Obsessive thinking of when, how and how much I can drink from when I first wake up (first thoughts are in the shower);
- No more drinking during work hours and getting paranoid that people will realise;
- No more regrets for actions or words spoken after a couple of glasses of wine;
- Ability to have healthy friendships not based on drinking;
- Liver will feel a lot healthier;
- Body will feel healthier;
- Skin will be clearer;
- Lose the "Wine Weight"
So I am still sober - I am not wanting to count the days as I feel that it may be self-defeating and a negative pathway to sobriety. So I will focus on the things that I have realised in the last week and how I have managed to get this far:
- I have realised that the only time I am a loser is when I am drinking. When I am not drinking and give myself a chance I am actually ok.
- I cannot stop after one glass - proof is in the pudding as they say.
- It was not unusual for me to stop on the way home and have at least 3 or 4 glasses of white wine in an hour to just feel like going home. Yes, I would drive. No, it is not 'normal'
- I would constantly plan how and when to have my next drink - first thing in the morning it was my thought.
- I could go two days without a drink but that was it.
- Last time I was sober for 6 months and in AA it was all due to 'self will', which although sounds good, if you follow the AA steps, Self Will is what you should be conscious of. Hence I failed as I hadn't asked for help.
- This time I have completely given all ownership away and continually ask for guidance and assistance because it is obvious I cannot do it myself.
- HALTT is a huge thing for me - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired and Thirsty. Once I recognised that a lot of my cravings for white wine were actually cravings for a cold drink or juice.
- Tired is also a huge thing for me as I would drink wine for energy, rather than have a nap, exercise or eat something healthy for energy. Even if The Boy was away I wouldn't nap as I felt guilty and bad for being so lazy.
- Just don't have the first drink - very true. If you don't have the first drink, you won't finish the bottle.
- I only know of two other people like me and they don't do the stupid things that I do;
- I actually like myself more when I am not drinking.
- I still remember the BAD way the first glass affects me - I get all loose limbed, sure, relaxed, however it isn't always a nice feeling. Sometimes I would drink even when I didn't feel like it because I knew that after the first one, the rest would be better.
- I have lost so much time, self-respect and achievements from drinking - it was my 'hobby' and the reason that I didn't finish things or why I would not hold to my commitments - when or if I would make them.
Resentments Will Turn You To Drink,
January 10 2012
If there is one thing I have learnt over the last year, is that my resentments stew.
My resentments stew into a big, hot, boiling mess of infection that soon link up with other, unrelated resentments to make one big pussy mess of my emotions and make any attempt to resolve the issues like an adult almost impossible.
I now know that if I don’t work on the resentment as soon as it arises, I will drink over it. I will drink to resolve the issue that I should could approach as a clear headed adult if I gave myself the opportunity to do so.
I found myself drinking over small issues, such as dishes in the sink when I want to cook, when really I was drinking because of larger issues that I was too afraid to confront and attempt to resolve. All because of my drinking and the secrecy surrounding it – and the shame. A vicious, vicious circle that only spirals downwards – quite often at an alarming rate such as days. Then, I would find myself in a huge argument with The Boy over something small, which although we would ‘make up’ there was always a feeling of issues unresolved, of nothing being achieved, of still spiralling down out of control – it was like I had stopped mid flight, paused and started travelling forward, however, still dangerously close to the ground.
Back Where I Started,
January 26 2012
48 hours ‘dry’.
My routine is to have a binge, get a hangover the next day, recuperate then drink the next day … so cannot really deny I have a drinking problem. Every 2nd day is a drinking session.
My last drink was on Tuesday night – after going to AA meeting on Tuesday noon. But then went home and drank because I was lonely, resentful and depressed - 1 1/2 bottles of white wine, did not drive and got up the next day to go to work.
I immediately called the AA hotline and asked them to have a female AA woman call me to help me out.
On the way to work, I promptly had a minor car accident. I was hungover, tired and feeling a little (not a lot) seedy.
It was definately the Universe telling me to slow down, be careful – next time I could be drunk behind the wheel and have an accident. Then BAM that’s my life over.
The second coincidence was that when I got a call from the AA contact, she had been at the meeting the day before and was going to stop me to speak to me but I bolted. After I spoke to her, I lost it at work – was so stressed, pressured and worried about getting through work in time to get to the next meeting on Wednesday night.
Got to the meeting and met a cool chick who offered to have a coffee with me today ……
I keep seeing cops on the road – one was parked outside my house tonight and I thought it was luck that I wasn’t drunk. Another coincidence and another reminder that I am one drink from having my life crumble beneath me.
Don’t think for a second it is easy – it’s bloody hard – I really thought I would drink tonight but I went to a meeting and got through it. JUST.
One day at a time – sometimes one hour or one minute.
Don’t Pick Up the First Drink,
January 27 2012
Cravings - check.
Liver screaming - check.
Head going insane - check.
End of the week - check.
Tired - check.
Bored - check
This was all happening this afternoon until about 6.15pm tonight.
What changed? What happened?
I went to a new AA meeting, sat down, shut up and listened. Didn't whinge, share, speak or judge.
And felt calmness flow through me and the thought that I have a choice and that I don't have to drink.
I went home - check.
Met up with The Friend - check
Went for a long walk around local suburb - check.
Spontaneous Shoulder/neck massage - check
Beach air, fresh air and sunshine - check.
Good food, laughter and exercise - check.
Shower when I got home - check.
3 days now.
Still fighting the green monster in my liver and the cancer of addiction in my head.
2nd Time Around,
January 30 2012
5 days and 20 hours sober.
1 day at a time.
Poll on how many drinks is too many?
3rd Time Round,
February 19 2012
Six days sober - 7 at midnight tonight.
3 busts in one year - 2 of them within one month.
It is true that each drinking episode gets worse.
But I am ok, I am alive and I am back on the horse.
Hello Sunday Morning is a space for any individual to take responsibility and change their drinking behaviour. We are not against alcohol or its use, but we do believe that change needs to happen around how our community drinks. We provide an online platform for individuals to start having that conversation. HSMers do this by simply taking a break from drinking (we recommend 3-months), committing to life goals they want to achieve and documenting their journey online.
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